Unattainable Cliche
by winterhearts
Summary: He never meant to want what he couldn’t have. Craig/Kenny. One-shot. Craig-centric.
1. Chapter 1

Title: Unattainable Cliché

Pairing: one-sided Craig/Kenny

Rating: T

Summary: He never meant to want what he couldn't have. One-shot. Craig-centric. Very angsty.

Warning: Quite a bit of coarse language and mild angst.

Other notes: My first South Park story. If it sucks, that's the reason why. I know Craig is probably OOC, and I'm sorry for that. But please enjoy anyway!

It was a stupid fucking cliché, that's all it was.

He was the pessimistic, cynical one who didn't give a shit about love. Kenny was the smartass blond playboy who thought love was something you made, preferably in a bed. That was the plot of most stupid teen movies, right? They themselves were a fucking cliché. Who really thought that high school was like that? Of course, Craig couldn't say anything, considering how unrealistic South Park High was. However, this was South Park, where it was typical to deviate from the norm. But still, it wasn't some stupid, predictable movie. If it was, Craig and Kenny would've fallen in love while denying their feelings, and after 90 minutes, they'd be together and happily ever after.

Yeah, _right._

The number of reasons why Kenny and Craig could never be together was immense. Well, maybe not that big, but Craig could definitely think of some good ones. First off, he didn't have a goddamn idea how to _be_ in a relationship with anyone, male or female, and as for Kenny? He was too busy staring down at various tits (namely—and fuck that stupid whore, Craig silently muttered—Bebe Stevens's) to notice that his friend had a straight-up boner for him. As if Kenny would notice, anyway. _He wasn't a fag_, Craig thought. _Kenny would sooner become a monk than a cocksucker. And especially not with me._

"Bullshit!" he muttered, taking a drag from his cigarette. "Fuck you, Kenny. Fuck it all." He thrust that famed middle finger up to the sky, secretly wishing that somehow, Kenny would see it and feel bad. Not that Craig wanted to see the blond cry—he just wanted Kenny to realize what he was missing. He had Craig right there, all the time, and he chose to hang around girls who only wanted a piece of his dick. It was all just stupid.

Craig Tucker_ wasn't _supposed to be like this, mooning over some guy who didn't like him back. Sure it would be nice if Kenny showed some interest, but it wasn't just that. The point is that Craig wanted Kenny, just as he wanted a Wii system in sixth grade, but couldn't have him. He was an unattainable cliché, something so ridiculous yet totally out of Craig's reach. Kenny would always be chasing skirts, making lewd jokes, and never settling down with someone. If it did turn out that Kenny was a fag or just bi, what's to say Craig wouldn't be another quick fuck? It wasn't as if Kenny and Craig had the same deep bond that 'super best friends' Stan and Kyle had. The two of them had barely spoken since the whole pandemic thing in fourth grade, so their friendship (if you could even call it that) was completely strained.

Craig wondered if Kenny had any idea what he was doing. Did he know that every night, Craig made a list of people he'd tell to "fuck off", and excluded Kenny from that list? Did he know that Craig would have erotic dreams at night, twitching as badly as Tweek while he pumped his cock, wishing it was Kenny's hands doing the work? Craig wasn't a sensitive little pussy, but after months of lusting after the blond, he was beginning to wonder what was up with him. Yeah, he was still Craig, and yet…not. All Craig knew was that love was just a dumb fuck. Who needed it?

An orange blur appeared in the distance, the image becoming more and more focused as it approached Craig. His breath hitched inside his throat as he saw the orange parka, its owner's blond mop of hair glinting in the autumn sun. _Holy shit._

"Kenny," Craig droned, looking like he didn't give a shit.

Kenny nodded. "Hey, Craig. What's up?"

"Uh, nothing." The hell? So now Kenny decides to speak to him? Craig chuckled darkly, earning a raised eyebrow from his friend.

"So are you still coming to Clyde's party tonight?" Kenny asked, brushing a lock of hair from his face. Craig clenched his jaw tightly to keep from blushing. He wasn't gay, but he also wasn't gonna walk around acting like a fag.

"No shit. He's my best friend." That was Craig-speak for yes. Even around Kenny, he was still his cynical, sarcastic self, and that wasn't going to change.

"M'kay. So I'll see you around then." Kenny licked his lips and moved past Craig, briefly brushing Craig's shoulder with his hand. The bulge in his jeans only got tighter as his cheeks grew warmer and warmer. Damn it, Kenny was bullshitting with him again, and he wasn't even aware of it.

He stroked the bulge, his mind flashing back to Kenny's hand brush. Craig wasn't a believer in signs, but maybe…

Maybe Kenny wasn't as unware as he thought he was. Perhaps the unattainable cliché wasn't so unattainable.

Craig rolled his eyes at the hopeful, semi-philosophical bullshit that was forming in his brain, but surprisingly, to him at least, wasn't completely annoyed at his sudden moment of optimism.

"You're such a fag for him, Tucker," he muttered to himself, lighting up again. Yes, he admitted it: he was gay for Kenny McCormick. Gay for the one boy who'd be a bitch to hold down and stop him from getting into another girl's pants. Not that that would stop Craig from trying.

He smirked, blowing out a wasp of smoke. This was going to be way more fun than some dumbass movie.


	2. Chapter 2

Title: Unattainable Cliché

Pairing: Craig/Kenny, Cartman/Kyle

Rating: T, may change to M later on.

Summary: He never meant to want what he couldn't have. Craig-centric. Very angsty.

Warning: Quite a bit of coarse language and angst.

Other notes: I don't own the epic awesomeness that is South Park. Belongs to those two badass motherfuckers, Trey Parker and Matt Stone.

**A/N: Hey, all! Posted this already on LJ and now my lazy ass is finally posting here. xD Muhahaa. Sorry it's not very long but I thought the current ending was a good place to end the chapter. Plus, chapter 3 is a bit longer, so that should make up for things. I'm cranking out shit to write best as I can, but school and other writings unfortunately take top priority most of the time. But whatever. Thanks for reading, even if you don't review. You guys rock.**

**(And yes, I did add Kyman as a side pairing. That wasn't originally the intent, but I wanted Cartman to be featured more, and I love that pairing to death. Even if you're not a fan of that, please still enjoy, k?)  
**

Chapter 2

Of course, Clyde Donovan's party was in full swing by the time Craig got there. Deafening music pulsated throughout the wooden floor while bodies pressed together in sweaty clumps. Everyone who wasn't dancing was either getting trashed on beer or fucking somewhere.

Yup. Craig wryly smirked, a humorless smile on his lips. Just your average high school party.

He weaved his way through the massive crowd of high schools, wondering how the hell so many people ended up at this party. With Token, huge-ass parties were expected—his house was certainly big enough to fit half of the high school in the downstairs part alone. Clyde wasn't trailer park-poor, but still…his house definitely couldn't hold so many people. But he was one of the more popular boys at South Park High, so Craig didn't even bother to speculate any more about the growing number of people around him. It wasn't like he cared for any of these random idiots around him anyway. Well, except for—

Craig shook his head at said blond as he emerged from a room with yet another girl on his arm. _Damn, McCormick really _is_ a slut_, he thought. Then Craig wanted to gag when he got a closer look at the busty brunette. Was that really _Wendy Testaburger,_ looking so flushed and red like a fucking tomato? It certainly didn't look like her. Her normally perfect and controlled dark brown hair was in a slight state of disarray, sticking to her shoulders in sweaty clumps. A white bra strap hung oh-so-not-discreetly from her shoulder blade, and she was doubled in laughter. And the really sick thing was that Stan was dating this girl (for the millionth time) and didn't know that one of his best friends had slept with her. Not that Craig cared about Kenny's stupid asshole friends, but the thought of Wendy cheating with him…it just….it made Craig fucking sick, okay? Because Kenny was his and not some fucking cheater hippie bitch's. His fists clenched at the sight and was visibly grateful when Wendy scurried off towards the bathroom. Thank God. Craig was about to uppercut a bitch, something he didn't normally do, but Wendy wasn't exactly normal herself.

Kenny stared longingly at Wendy's ass before she closed the door, making Craig's stomach churn with rage. Kenny was supposed to be making this fun for Craig, not fucking _complicated_. But he didn't want to get into that now. He just stood in his spot, glaring/subtly eyefucking at Kenny's back. After a few minutes, the blond caught on and sauntered over towards Craig, wearing the expression of someone who'd gotten a good high off of beer and had awesome sex all in one night.

Goddamnit. Fuck that Testaburger. Craig made a mental note to add Wendy to his 'hate list', right above Eric Cartman, Kyle Broflovski, and the Goth kids.

Kenny rested his head on Craig's shoulder, his free arm dangling _very _close to Craig's ass, jolting the dark-haired boy out of his daydream. Craig just blankly stared at the blond, doing a very good job of staying stoic despite the sudden tightness in his jeans. He wasn't really in the mood to deal with Kenny if he was drunk, since the boy had a very good history of holding his alcohol and doing fucked-up, crazy shit while buzzed. Once he even had a threesome with Token and Heidi. That was something Craig wanted to burn from his memory banks forever and always.

"Save it, McCormick. Your ass was just all over Testaburger and I don't want her pussy germs. What the fuck are you _doing_ with her, anyway? You know she's Marsh's girlfriend." If he sounded too rude or condescending, who gave a shit? Craig wasn't going to suddenly be nice just because he liked Kenny.

Kenny just laughed. "Don't be such a tight ass, Craig. Stan went AWOL on her to actually study for once, so she was pissed. I happened to sweet talk her with a little alcohol and ended up popping her cherry. For a first-timer, she's not too bad in the sack." He licked his lips, causing the bile to steadily rise in Craig's throat. Could that asshole _really_ be okay with taking advantage of his friend's girlfriend? Craig knew for a fact that he'd never do anything like that with any of Clyde or Token's girlfriends.

He wasn't sure what happened next, but hands suddenly flew out and pinned Kenny against the wall, which, surprisingly, not a lot of people noticed. Craig flared his nostrils, grabbing onto the folds of Kenny's orange parka because he was just so _fucking pissed _right now. And the funny thing was that he wasn't even sure why anymore. All Craig knew was the hate and anger that flashed in his dark eyes, causing Kenny to look at him questioningly before also getting riled up.

"Dude, what the fuck?" He didn't seem so buzzed anymore. In fact, Kenny had never looked more sober at a party than at that very moment. It had Craig freaked out for a moment before the orange parka-clad boy spoke again.

"Seriously, what the hell is your problem, Craig? I fucking try to make a fucking joke with you and you push me against the wall! Are you high off of some shit or what, before you've obviously got some issues," Kenny finished, almost ready to deck Craig right then and there.

Shit, he couldn't do this, not here with all of these people. Craig had to get Kenny far away, so they could continue this in private. So before Kenny could say another word, Craig grabbed him, knocking his empty can of beer to the floor with a soft clank. The two of them had made it to the entrance of the Donovan's basement when Cartman spotted them, snickering.

"Going to fuck around with McCormick, huh? Always knew you were a faggot, Craig." The fatass's whiny voice was so grating, and all Craig could do was flip him off before quickly locking the door behind him and Kenny.


End file.
